Ready, Set….IVF

Posted on April 6, 2008 and filed under Infertility....the unfathomable journey

So, I just got back from spending 2 weeks in California with my nieces, nephews and sisters.  It was so nice to step away from everything at home that reminds me of the journey I am on, and the future that lies ahead.  I also got a taste of what it is like to be a full-time parent to two sick toddlers, and though I would not give up the week of bonding with my little love bugs,  it wiped me out including all emotions about infertility…..for a bit………

But now reality is back… here I am…..two days from the first step in the IVF process, two days from the beginning of hormones, the beginning of the end of all my little vices that make me sane and healthy, but that might conflict with the IVF process.  No more tea, herbal vitamins, core power yoga, emotional stability, days without dr. appointments, lack of medical bills decorating our kitchen table, and again…emotional stability…this is what scares me the most.  

I am a much stronger person than I was before infertility hit my life with its unexpected force.  The do or die approach that infertility takes forces strength to come out that never was known to exist before.  But am I strong enough to handle the dark, unstable days ahead?  Will they mimic the painful months the recently passed, will they be easier because this time we have some kind of conclusion (either it works or we go to adoption)?  Will the hormones get the best of me? Will my husband, friends and family finally be sick of my unstable, depressing view point?

I don’t know the answer to these questions, and the sanest part of me tells me I will end this next chapter of our journey a little battered and bruised, but with more strength than I began with, but I can’t help going back to the feelings that I associate with the beginning of this year, the beginning of our first few attempts at “medically induced conception”.

 The first few months of this New Year were the darkest months I can remember experiencing.  My life has not always been perfect, and I have had my share of disappointing, difficult times, but nothing hit as hard as the reality of not conceiving in a natural, unscripted way ……especially as the reality of what  “unscripted conception ” really mean.

 When I think back to a few months ago, before we took a two month hiatus to gear up for IVF, I cringe, and the weakest part of me steps out, just wanting to give up, and not go there.  Not go to the months ahead that will be full of thoughts beyond my control, dark view points, emotional ups and downs, the feeling that my body and my thoughts are not my own, and the reality that the biggest shot at having our own child……..may not work.   

Buy how can I not go there. I am so blessed to be given this opportunity, and I would do anything to have a child of my own.  Two months of hell, for a child of our own, is well worth it…..and many would scoff at the idea of me even thinking in this dreadful way.  If I want a child so bad, how can I even think about the path to getting there as negative, and even worse, question whether or not I want to go there?

 Believe me, I feel twinges of guilt for these emotions, but that is where they stay…twinges.  If I have learned anything in this process, it is that I am not perfect, that thoughts without action are just that…..thoughts,  and that excepting this has given me the gift of  becoming stronger because of it. 

So though I feel dread for the upcoming months, and fear of going into the dark, hormonally charged world of IVF……I will go there, and I will make the most of it, I will be realistic of what it entails, I will probably call my friends with unpredictable moods,  I will probably scare my husband with my crazy personality swings, I will probably scare myself with my crazy personality swings, I will be hopeful, and sometimes excited about what the outcome might be, I will also be completely pessimistic about the outcome, I will learn to live without my vices for a few months….. and I will end this next chapter  a stronger person, and one step closer to knowing what path Michael and I will be on next….whatever that might be.  Lord be with me.


My Zimbio