Are My Thoughts Making Me Infertile?

Posted on March 16, 2008 and filed under Infertility....the unfathomable journey

I just got back from spending a week with my girls and my little niece - Jo Jo Bean in Oregon.  If you have not been to Oregon, I recommend it.  They live in a little town called Astoria.  Many of you are probably familiar with it, if you have seen Goonies or Kindergarten Cop, both movies, and many more were filmed in this lush town sitting at the base of the Colombia River.  What an amazing time I had.  Endless days with little Josephine - she will be 2 this month, long girly talks with lots of giggling (not laughing, but out of control, laugh for no reason giggling),  walks along the river with beautiful scenery and reflective talks, a little bit of shopping, lots of junk food, and most appreciatively time to reflect and plan.  Thinking has been something that has gotten me into trouble since the “fertility challenged” thing has entered our lives. My thoughts can go around and around, and deeper and deeper into darkness and confusion, the more I think, the more bleak I get, the more confused I get and the more “nuts” I conclude I am. So, this week of not thinking, but doing, was amazing.  And when I was not doing, I was in a much more relaxed, non-infertility state of mind, that I was able to reflect, and dream (yes, I know that sounds cheesy- but it is such a beautiful thing, especially after a period of time of being afraid to dream).  And at one point in this reflective, relaxing week, I opened up a magazine, one that my friends and I refer to as smut mags - full of celebrity photos, and I saw a picture of Marcia Cross with her two beautiful twins.  As that picture popped into my view, and lightness filled my heart, and it was followed by the joy that comes with hope, it reminded me that it is possible, one day I can be a mom, which  brings me to a question though. 

Are my negative thoughts keeping me from getting pregnant?

This has been brought up to me by a handful of people in my life. People who I am close to and love and who I know love me very much and desperately want to see Michael and I have a baby (I know that their intentions are out love). But…are they right, or should I be insulted by the fact that people think that I don’t want a baby bad enough and that is what is keeping me from getting pregnant. Or by the fact that I am not strong enough to be positive throughout this whole grueling ordeal where my strength has already been brought to all new levels (which I am mostly grateful for).  

These ideas make me want to laugh, how ridiculous is this, of course I want a baby, of course I want this experience to be more positive than it has been.  But lets be realistic,  facing the road we have been on and the crazy hormones and not letting it keep you from the channeling the brokenness felt by this lost dream into protecting my heart is going to bring on a battle with positive emotions.  

If I could walk around and just constantly say to myself, “Lori, you will be pregnant, Lori, the pain that comes your way, let it go, you will be pregnant, Lori, envision yourself with a baby”, maybe I would, but I can’t, it does not see genuine to my emotions right now…..but I have not totally forsaken these “positive mantras”  but….yes…they are limited….. realistic preparation for what might come balanced with hope and acceptance are my “genuine mantras”.

I have to be realistic here, I might not have a baby ever, I might not have one for 10 years, or I can could be pregnant in a few months… I have to accept that  these are all my possible reality’s. I am hopeful, and I am positive (most of the time), but I am also realistic, and I don’t think that being any less realistic and more “positive” is going to give me a baby anymore than dealing with my situation in the current way that I am is.

I believe it is important to be hopeful, I do.  In fact, in my bible study the other day,  I learned that hopefulness is a tool that God gives us to deal with life’s suffering and strongholds.  I can be hopeful, I am hopeful, and yes I can be more hopeful at times.  But I don’t think that my thoughts are going to guide me to or away from a baby.  They will however help me enjoy life more with or without a baby…. and that is why I will remain hopeful…. and realistic.   Thoughts, opinions, comments? Lori @ IncMoms. com

Ps. 31:24 “Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.”