Trying to relax…another part of the journey

Posted on February 26, 2008 and filed under Infertility....the unfathomable journey

So Michael and I went to the Dr.’s yesterday, to start our IVF “orientation”.   We got a lot of questions answered, but surprisingly, after an hour of talking with the nurse, did not make it to our “IVF Orientation” notebook, which was 5 inches thick and the whole purpose of the appointment…… so we have to make another appointment for that soon.   In the meantime we have to go get some blood work done, and then a hyperoscopy (that is totally spelled wrong and probably not even close to what the procedure is called), no more caffeine..again..I need to just quit for good and stop indulging in it once the procedures are over and stop putting  myself through this caffeine withdrawal craziness!), and then we start the IVF  pre-cycle stuff in April, and the IVF in May, wow!  It’s amazing how timing works out when God is in control (this word control is foreshadowing to the rest of my blog, its amazing, and I know I mentioned this before, how some things  I have no problem giving God control of, and others, just freak me out).   I have a few pre-planned trips (once we found out we were not pregnant again, I booked some trips to go be with my friends and family in Oregon and then in California and get away from it all…..Michael and I just moved out to Colorado this last summer and though we love it out here, being away from friends and family during this journey, is definitely hard, not to mention, I just miss my girls, and my little love bugs (my nieces and nephews).   The way my cycle falls and the days the tests have to be on, fall in perfect place with my schedule trips. I do not have to cancel them!!! Yah, because I need to relax. Which brings me to my point for this blog, I really need to relax.  Not like put your feet up and let the stress leave you, but relax…. I am a chronic stresser.   I hold stress, I don’t release it.  It’s not even that I am always worrying that stresses me out, its just I operate better when I am tense, so I stay tense.  I don’t know if that makes any sense, as I write I realize how crazy it sounds, but again, it is true.  So lately I have been more tense than normal.  The infertility, the finances, work, and a zillion other things. But what has been stressing me the most, is my relationship with God.  I have been doing a bible study, and the study talks about trusting God, and our Faith in God, but I just can’t help not totally relax about this (and believe me I have tried: magnesium supplements, yoga, exercise, limits on my schedule, relaxing tea……).  And after some intense journaling and prayer I have come to the realization that I am fearful of God right now. Fearful that if I do not act according to His word, He will not reward me with a  baby.  Wow, I can’t believe I said that out loud. 

I think this whole situation, as well as a few more things that have happened this year, have made me a little traumatized, by God.   Does anyone else ever feel this way, or am I the lone crazy person here?  Yes, I love God, and yes, I have faith in all He does, and yes, I enjoy my relationship with Him, but lately (since we found out we were infertile, but even more so in the last few weeks, maybe because I feel like we are finally at a point where we have been given this blessing of the IVF study, and I just don’t want to screw it up), I have been letting my relationship become more about worry and works, than love and trust.  You see, I feel like maybe I, or Michael, am being punished, or have been punished for something we have done, and that is why my husband and I are infertile………or maybe its not punishment, maybe it’s just that I made a bad decision a while ago, and now I am paying for it. So it’s time to be “perfect” so that we can make up for what we did wrong, and work our way out of it. Is that the way our God operates? I don’t think so, at least my heart does not think so, but I cannot wrap my head around the idea that its okay to screw up every now and then, and that I will not be punished for it, or not rewarded for it.  And of course, the biggest reward right now is…….children, and a new job for my husband, but…that is a whole different saga.  So I was doing my bible study this morning, Beth Moore, “Believing in God”, and we are talking about faith. And a discussion on Abraham came up and it talked about how Abraham made many bad decisions, but his ultimate faith in God, and obedience led him to become the father of many nations.  Well what if Abraham did not go when God said “Leave your relatives, your people and your parents home and go where I tell you”,   Abraham had no idea where he was going, but he went, and he was blessed. He and Sarah gave birth to Isaac (Sarah was barren and Abraham was OLD!) and he became the father of many nations.   Have I done what God has asked me to do, have I done something wrong?  I do not know. But what I do know is that if I keep stressing about this a few things are going to happen. I am going to get sick, I will not be able to have a child because I will be so anxiety ridden conception won’t take place (please tell me stress and infertility is really a myth), and I will not grow in my relationship with Christ….not only that, but maybe I will be missing the whole point of my relationship with Christ, the whole point of the New Testament, the whole point of Jesus dieing on the cross.  Honestly, I liked my relationship with Christ a lot better before I starting stressing about this.  So this is where I am now, my heart knows God loves me and that I can rest secure in that. My heart knows that it is by faith, not actions that we get to heaven, and I know that nothing is more pleasing to God than faith….so, is it really a active participle (if you read Beth Moore, you know that phrase!)  decision of faith when I stress about doing something being pleasing to God, really pleasing to God, no, I don’t think so.   Isn’t that doubting in my Fathers plans for me and His direction, yes, I do think so.   Is it ‘working for me” as Dr. Phil would say, no, it is not.  I do believe God has a plan for my life, and I want His plan, (and God knows I am not perfect, isn’t that factored into his plan).  So, here I go. On another journey during the bigger journey of infertility and the even bigger journey of life here on earth (I guess that is what life is about right), to learn to relax in my daily actions and to relax in my relationship with the Lord.  They (some experts) say it takes 200 times to break a habit, so far I have practiced deep breaths, prayer and not stressing when I have felt like stressing 3 times today, 197 more times to go……In the mean time, if anyone struggles with this and has found peace in this, and wants to share, it, send it my way….Lori @ incmoms. com.   Okay, so after I wrote this I called my BFF and like normal, she steered me in the right direction.  He is not punishing me and he does not reward me here on earth for acting according to His will. He just wants us following His word so that we are following His will, protect us from worldly things, becoming closer to Him and He wants us back home with Him in Heaven one day.  Struggles we go through are often times beyond our understanding and are also often time’s blessings waiting to come to fruition.  There is actually a scripture that discusses how disgusted He is with us when we are trying to win rewards by action – Isaiah. 64:6 – “our righteous acts are like dirty rags”.  I hope this helps you if you are struggling with this. So, yes, God wants us following his word, but he does not punish us for not following it. Yes, we do have to deal with the worldly ramifications of our sins (breaking the law – going to prison), but He is not a God that punishes.  Following His word is what he wants, but only if we do so because we love him, not because we are trying to earn rewards, or “brownie points.”    So, this is really sinking in with me. And what is crazy is I knew all this stuff!!! It’s unbelievable how easy it is to forget when fear enters our hearts….