We’re In…let the IVF begin…

Posted on February 24, 2008 and filed under Infertility....the unfathomable journey

We’re in! We made it into the study. Wow, we are really moving forward with IVF. Its crazy to even try to imagine what we are about to encounter. I am excited for the prospect, grateful (it always stings a bit when I say grateful for anything in this whole process, but there are times I am genuinely grateful, I like life so much more in those moments, and right now is one of those moments) for the opportunity, but also realistic about that fact that it may not work, and it will be a very involved journey.  But, if it does not work, we know that we are meant to adopt, right? We will give it enough tries to utilize all the eggs created this first round and if it does not work, we will start saving for adoption.  Which by the way, are you aware that the federal government gives everyone (depending on income and a few other things, but pretty much everyone meets it) a over $11,000 tax credit.

That’s a credit not a write off, it’s a full credit.  And then, some states give you a deduction on top of that.  That is definitely a positive aspect to adoption and something that makes it more feasible financially.  Here is a link to some great information on this: Adoption Credit

So, back to IVF.  We signed all of the consent forms today, all 28 pages and read over them carefully. (Some parts we would rather not have: ovarian cancer, 4% higher birth defect risk, bladder infections, incestouous Dr. appointments, bed rest, out patient surgery….)There are definitely some risks (and added risks because of the study we are in) but we fell at peace about them, and still…very hopeful.  We have about a 60% chance of getting pregnant, and about 65% chance of that pregnancy be multiplies…..my husband is not ecstatic about that part, but… I am!!! One less time of going through this craziness.

So now its back to reality, getting prepared for all the hormones, no coffee, no alcohol, no herbal vitamins, trying to “relax” because stress makes conception less likely (I have heard this is a myth, and I hope it is, because how can you not stress when your life is completely controlled by this…affliction) trying not to take out my frustration from the lack of these vices and the hormones on my husband…that one will be fun, and preparing myself for going back to “mommy” yoga instead of my much loved “core power yoga” so that I don’t put my body in “conception and pregnancy straining positions”. (Yes, I know, all these things are worth giving up to have a baby, but they are also the little things in life I enjoy right now, and make this unbearable period, more bearable).  The other reality part is preparing myself for the emotional aspects. Today I noticed myself preparing myself for the negative and starting to over think things. I hate that, it makes me feel so…crazy…and tense and not at peace.   

My husband and I took this refugee family of 9 to the zoo (yes this relates to my infertility thoughts, I promise), they don’t speak any English, and it was sooooo much fun, we had such a fun time watching the kids get excited and the mom and dad get excited because the kids were excited and I was genuinely excited, and actually in the moment  for a while, enjoying the moment (something that has seemed to happen less since the distraction of Dr. appoints, uncertainty in our future, dissapointment, hormones,financial pressure….has invaded its way into our life),  but then of course, once I get to0 happy, and think that this might be it, my mind goes into overdrive protecting itself and my heart.  But how can you protect your heart at all in this process.  Even on the brink of this exciting opportunity, I know that it may not work.  The ultimate excitement for the ultimate let down.  But…..it is also worth it, for me it is, I know it can be different for everyone, and it is definitely worth it for me. So I will go back to searching out “other” little things that make my life not just bearable (send them my way if you have any), but….. enjoyable (is the best day struggling with infertility ever your best day…that is another blog). Because whether or not I have a child, this is my life. This is my marriage. This is my journey. Like I have made it through the previous part of this journey, growing, changing, digressing, and then growing more, I will make it through the rest of it, Michael and I will make it through the rest of it…..no matter where it goes……but one day at time -  ”Do not worry about tomorrow, for today brings enough trouble of its own” - Matthew 6:34……Now I just need the strength to live by this….