What to do???

Posted on February 21, 2008 and filed under Infertility....the unfathomable journey

So today my husband and I went to see the doctor.  We have been doing the IUI process for what seems like forever now.  (Clomid - it is the devil for me. I don’t even like being around me when I am on it, I can’t imagine how my poor husband and closest loved ones feel).  With the intent of moving forward in our journey, moving away from Clomid (though, yes, I would sadly be on it for years, well maybe not years…..but a long time, if it meant conception would finally occur), and figuring out our financial options, we made our way to the big beautiful building, that symbolizes so little beauty to us, but still a bit of hope.

We got in at 7:45, and let me tell you, I will often refer to my husband as my loving best friend, a man of character, a true man, but before 8 AM and a few cups of coffee, he will only be referred to as a grump. And a grump he was this morning. But, today I got joy out of his grumpiness, I knew his grumpy to-the-point attitude would be aimed at “Nurse Gayle (her name has been changed) that we have been assigned, and “Leah (again, her name has been changed)” in the billing office.  Little did I know, that my grumpiness would prevail this morning, leaving Michaels to shame.

We walk in the office at 7:45 AM. Before we can sit down, we are called (by the wrong name) to the desk to “rectify” our bill.  The desk nurse got this “rectification process” started by asking me “Would you like to rectify your bill, it is $542″?,   “I am not sure”, I said with my most smart-alecky grin. If you are giving me a choice, I choose the cheaper one…. My response was answered with an unsure, slightly annoyed look.  I took the bill to my husband, who reacted in the way I would hope, and went straight to the desk nurse.  Surprisingly my irritation did not subside, and I made my way to the desk. As I am doing this, my Dr., who I had an appointment with at 7:45, waltzed in with his hair uncombed and looking like he just rolled out of bed.  I glanced at the clock. It was 7:58.  I asked the nurse “Will Dr. ____  be ready soon, Michael and I  have to leave for work at 8:30.” “Oh, he is ready” she said.  My arse!! Anyway, to make a long story short, my blood was boiling, we had a $542 bill to “rectify”, and a Dr. who was late and half asleep.  The questions of “what am I spending all of this money on?” and “do I really have a better chance of getting pregnant here than on my own?” incessantly popped into my mind. I am not usually an angry person, but my resentment for this “medical center” was at dangerous levels.

So, we make it to the Dr.’s office, where he graced us with his presence about 5 minutes later looking just as bedhedish as he did when I had seen him earlier.  This was encouraging…..we were here to get direction and guidance on the single most important dilemma in our life, and this is who we were getting it from????  Our experience with this medical center had already been less than stellar since we had started here, maybe it was time for it to end.  Which is surprisingly how the Dr. started off….

Well, first he started off with a corny joke about not having coffee, and then how the eggs and the sperm are similar to real estate because it’s all about “location, location, location”, uh, “what?”, please give me more than this, my life dream is being held in your hands right now!!!!  But it did get better….

He woke up a bit, and started telling us our options, giving us 4 basic ones.

1) Cut our ties and leave for another Dr. (don’ tempt me…)

2) Surgery to check the inside of my tubes (apparently the HSG just checks if your tubes are open, but even if they are open, there could be issues in them, I really wish he would have told us this before we started the IUI process, so if you are just starting out on the testing process, ask your Dr. about this).  After the surgery, which would fix the tube problem if they found one, we would try more IUI’s.

3) More intense hormones (how can I contain my excitement)

4).  IVF.  Okay, so I am a strong believer in giving God control (I might not be good at it, but I believe it). IVF has been something that my husband and I have been on the fence about because of the control and glory it takes away from God. Or does it?  Either your guess is as good as mine, or your opinion is partially with mine…my opinion is still pretty two-sided……I feel like it definitely takes control out of God’s hands, however I also feel like God has put these Dr.’s in our path so that He can work through them. And there are blessings that would have to happen and areas of faith that still must be in place that give God intense glory, but there are a few issues we are “grey” about.:

1) Forming the eggs out of my body and possibly not giving them the same chance to live, and also forming up to 16 eggs!

2) When the Dr. chooses which 2 eggs (he will try 2 eggs at a time), which two does he choose? Well, he chooses the strongest, but is that what would happen in the natural process. I would think so, the strongest rise to the top, the strongest survive, I believe is how it would happen naturally, but am I right, I don’t know.

 3) Is in “natural” to freeze eggs for however long we would freeze them for? Another thing I don’t know.

4) If we do not use all of our eggs, do we discard them, give them to research or adopt them out, or have a family of up to 16????  Well for us the answer is clear (something we know, yeah!…) - adoption, but how do we know we are giving them to a family with our values, our faith and lots and lots of love. Once, again, we don’t know.  But once again, what an opportunity to put my money where my mouth is, or……my faith where my actions are.

So here is my dilemma.  I feel led to this IVF option.  My husband and I were definitely led to make this Dr. appointment for today earlier in our treatment plan that originally planned (we were not supposed to see him for another month), and because of that, we are able to grab one of the last spots open in a “research study” that we were completely unaware of.   I also let God know (like he did not know already) that if we were going to do IVF, one of the barriers would of course be $$$, with the research study we save 60% 60%!!!!, that is so much money, and makes IVF an real option instead of the cost being a huge roadblock….and another answer to prayer. (Which by the way was really cool on another level. My husband has been feeling like God has not been listening to him lately (I definitely was there before and still am at points), and this is such an awful place to be. Through the different results of today, especially this one, Michael felt the peace and comfort of God talking to him. This is one of the little things that makes this whole process a little bit worth it). Also, on the way to the appointment, a sermon came on the radio that I just randomly flipped to, that was a clear message about letting God work through the Dr’s that are placed in front of us.  Crazy, I know, it’s not often I hear those kinds of sermons.  And then, the adoption issue is something that my husband and I would normally be weirded out about.  But in the last few weeks, and especially today, the discussion on helping another family end the agony of infertility, and give them our eggs so they can have a child, brought both my husband and I to near tears. The thought of this is still overwhelming, and brings us a beautiful light to this dark journey. 

So…..here we are, we are making the decision tomorrow, officially.  My thing here is, once again, infertility has taught me so much, and grown me so much.  I am so much more open minded.  I completely understand that each person’s infertility path is different, and painstakingly personal.  Decisions that others make, that I might be so aghast by, I can now look at it in a non-judgmental way. I believe God puts on our hearts (and give us the grace to follow through with) what we individually should do in our own situation so that we can fulfill the plan he has for our life.  So when the issue at hand is not answered in black and white by the bible (thankfully many things are), prayer, education and following what God places on our heart by the circumstances he puts in front of us, as well as what he simply puts on you and your spouses heart, is what you (well us) will follow. All of the questions I have above, I will place in God’s loving hands, take a leap of faith, and pray for His hands to be with the process and with us every tiny step along the way, …..and do I even dare to think the scariest thought of them all…the thought that can take me again to the highest point of the roller coaster…could this be the beginning to the end of the scariest rollercoaster ride of them all…..or is it just another peak before the next fall….may grace be with me..

My Zimbio