Infertility, Infertility, Infertility……

Posted on February 20, 2008 and filed under Infertility....the unfathomable journey

Infertility, infertility, infertility. Maybe if I say it enough it will stop having the stinging effect that it has had since it entered my life.  It’s not just its direct meaning that is so ugly, it’s everything that it touches. Like a demon that infests everything it is near with venom, infertility seems to impact every aspect of life, even the positive parts. I know this very well, my husband and I are infertile.  We hit the official mark right around one year of trying. You know, the appointment that “they” make you wait for.  Like the roller coast ride of trying to get pregnant, starting your period, crying and walking around like a zombie until you manage to  talk yourself through it, and then trying  again, just to do the whole thing over 11 more times, before you can officially be tested for issues, is not enough.  Then you finally “get” to be tested, fork out a few bills, and a few more if you don’t have insurance, and be poked and prodded like a lab rat.  First comes the guy appointment, to rule him out, and then the
woman. 

If you are in my situation, and in 40% of all infertility cases, the “rule him out” appointment did not go as planned.  I don’t know what was worse, learning that we officially had trouble getting pregnant (I am still surprised when I think back on the day we found out we had issues).  I knew, something in me knew, it was not good. Then my normally strong and direct husband called and in a nervous voice trying to be strong…he told me there were “abnormalities”……. we had just entered the anxiety ridden reality of 1 in 6 couples trying to get pregnant, we had started the unfathomable journey of infertility.

The weight of what happened set in, and as soon as I got off the phone with my loving wonderful husband, I called my BFF, and the tears could not come out fast enough, I don’t know how she new what I said through the avalanche of tears and emotions. I am still surprised that it hit me that hard. After 12 months of trying, I knew we had issues, and I wanted there to be an issue right? If we know what is broken, we can fix it, right?  I think my heart new the gravity of the situation, before my head did. It is not as simple as fixing what’s broken.  Fixing what is broken involves, lots of tests, lots of money, lots of hormones, lots of $ again,lots of getting used to a plan that is not your own, lots of emotions (some that you never new existed) lots of acceptance,  and very little certainty.  That night was such a blur.  My husband came home, we discussed the “abnormalities”, best case scenario, worst case scenario (as far as we knew it to be all we had to go off of was a  45 second voice mail with the words extreme, severe and abnormalities in it, and a set appointment with a specialist two weeks away), we cried a lot, laughed at the irony of our situation (out of all of our friends and family we wanted and planned for kids the most, at least it felt that way, and seemed to be the only people having trouble with the situation, and in a lot of cases, the only couple not getting pregnant just by looking at each other), came up with a new slogan for our marriage  “We’re the Kerrigans, we take a licken and keep on ticken”, and eventually ended up at a greasy burger joint, where we realized after the restaurant had closed and our bill was due, that we forgot our wallets…luckily we live in a town that used to be pretty small and they consider customers family…we did not have to end up doing dishes, but we did get an extension on paying  our bill.

The next few weeks were also a blur, we literally walked around like zombies. I don’t know if facing infertility was worse, or the sad depressed look in my husbands eyes was worse. My husband is a true man. He loves me, in the way that a man, not a boy does, and wants me to have the dream world that he thinks I deserve. Not only was this a loss to him and to us, but it was a loss to his ability to provide for me as a husband (in his eyes only,  thank goodness I believe in God and have a strong faith, and blame any plans that are not “our” plans on God, not my man. Oh yes, I have had many conversations with my loving Father above and though I still have my days and bouts with anger at Him, I no longer “blame” Him, I am learning to accept his plan (learning is definitely an action word here, and if you ask my loved ones, they will definitely vouch for the fact that it is a process), and to see this as His blessing, not His punishment (yes, even though I beginning to look at this as a blessing, the idea of infertility as a blessing does make me shudder at times…most of the time). So for the two weeks between “the call” and “the appointment”, Michael  was depressed, I was depressed, we were scared for the road ahead (now I can see why), we were scared of the unknown and the idea that we might have to accept the fact that we would never have any biological children, or even children at all.  However, amongst all this darkness, there was a beautiful aspect to those two weeks.Michael and I were such a team and made the commitment to stay a team. I know that infertility can be something that can tear couples a part, I can 100% see why it can.  The emotions, the sorrow, the panic, the disappointment, the resentment, the fear of resentment, the obsessing, the loss, the highs and lows, the financial burden, how could it not tear two people apart.  My only answer to that is Christ, without Him and our faith, we would not have had the grace and the foundation to pull together rather than apart.  We know God had brought us together, that we were best friends, and we had always said our marriage would come before our children, this principle just had to be put into action before kids entered into the picture, something we had never thought would happen, until now..

My Zimbio

My Zimbio